Part Two: Before You Say, “I do”, Three Key Questions Must Be Answered

The True Heart of a Partner: Do they Serve Others or Expect to be Served?

We laid the groundwork by asking the first hard question: Are you both truly aligned on what it means to submit to Christ and His design for marriage? Both of you must move past the Christian label. But that’s not all! Once we feel more confident that their faith isn’t just empty words to our intended spouse, let’s examine the true posture of their heart. Do they like to serve, or do they expect to be served?

Christ never demanded that His followers be His doormat or prove their worthiness or greatness through their promised allegiance. He washed their feet! He taught them. He fed them. He was endlessly patient with them. He encouraged them. He healed them. He loved them. He provided for all their needs. He asked three disciples to pray for Him; they fell asleep, and He didn’t demean them - Jesus died for them. 

 Christ modeled servanthood - a servant heart.  How do we know? He told us, and showed us, that He came to serve, not to be served. (See Mark 10:45; Matt 20:26-28; John 13:14-15; Phil 2:3-4; and Gal. 5:13) Does your significant other demonstrate a servant heart or a taker's heart? How can we know someone's true heart posture? Which heart do they reflect in their other important relationships or when resolving conflicts and problems?

As Christ, we are to serve the body of Christ and be a light to everyone. Both of you are to demonstrate a servant heart before and within marriage - choosing to walk together with another person, united in Christ, through whatever comes your way. We don’t choose family; we are born into one. We don’t choose our parents; we are born to them. You choose who to marry, so choose wisely.

Marriage is a choice. We both need a servant heart; otherwise, we rub against and bump into each other until we feel raw, bloodied, and bleeding from the effort of insisting they “see” our point of view, legitimize our feelings, or meet our demands where legitimate disagreement or reason for concern may lie. A servant heart feels risky. We risk being unappreciated, underappreciated, misunderstood, ridiculed, or ignored. We are not to love and serve our spouse conditionally. Is our desire to demonstrate a servant heart primed only when they are lovable, kind, endlessly understanding, or do whatever we want? 

We love and serve because He first loved and served us. What about them? How does your boyfriend/girlfriend treat their siblings, parents, and closest friends? Do most things revolve around themselves or others? Have they ever modified or dropped their own plans to help out someone else? Are they patient? Can they admit when they did something wrong and take corrective action? Are they always “right,” or do they seek to understand and are open to change or improvement?

Christ served wholeheartedly, without reservation, and to the point of death. Likewise, we are to be “doers,” not only “hearers” of His word (See James 1:22). Spouses serve one another as Christ served us. We have no higher standard than Christ by which to compare ourselves. Each believer is to walk fruitfully, willingly into service to one another, building each other up, sharpening one another, and helping each other fulfill God’s purpose together (See Gal. 5:13; Matt 20:28; Mark 10:45; and Phil 2:5-8). The husband has the additional responsibility of answering to the Lord for the state of his marriage and family. 

God asked Adam, not Eve, Have you eaten from the tree of which I commanded you not to eat? Men, how do you want to answer the Lord when He asks if you are watching over your bride in the way He commands? Women, we are accountable for the way we serve what He gives us to care for and tend over. There are enough stresses and strains in marriage to test your mettle; don’t add two drastically different ideas of Christ’s design behind marriage into the mix. In other words, don’t wing it.

Christ modeled marriage as a reflection of His relationship with us. Two people fully submitted to His Will and His ways. Hearts ready to serve one another wholeheartedly - to the point of death. Is any of this reflected in them or in your relationship? Are you in agreement over what serving looks like within marriage? 

We are to have a heart attitude of serving others, not expecting to be served. If anyone had a “right” to demand being served hand and foot, it’s Christ. Instead, Jesus modeled and preached a servant heart. He was here to do His Father’s will. He washed His disciples' feet. He didn’t demand foot washing for Himself.

He didn’t sit back and analyze whether to help a disciple because they failed to show him “proper” respect. Our servant heart can be deeply tested when it requires something from us we didn't expect or demands something that doesn't come naturally to us. I struggled with accepting help for things I could no longer do, even from Al, because it was "proof" I was "failing" as a mother and wife. I tormented myself with the belief I was not "doing enough" to help Al or to be the best mom. Everything about how we previously functioned was dumped out, catapulting us into working on the fly until we adjusted to our new normal.

Al stepped up to the plate and served me and our family. He took upon himself as much extra responsibility for our children and home as possible. Al became Mr. Mom, which was a movie from the early ’80s about role reversals in marriage. Al was a firefighter by profession. He worked long, exhausting hours in a very physically and mentally demanding profession. 

He stepped up in so many ways: cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, chaperoning the kids to their activities, and taking me to continuous medical appointments crisscrossing multiple cities. Al made a point of planning family trips for us. He reached out to my parents for help with the kids so he could give me downtime or just a short respite from daily demands. He looked for ways to bring a smile to my face or to lessen my sense of being a burden. Did you catch that reference to Al seeking downtime for me - not for himself? He was endlessly patient with all of the extra demands on his time and mind.

I helped in whatever way I could with cleaning, cooking, and the kids, but there was a tremendous imbalance between the “splitting” of household responsibilities. I never wanted Al to feel taken advantage of. I always desired to find any way I could help with our household. Well, the Lord answered me in a very unexpected way. The Lord challenged me, in the midst of my horrible mental and physical condition, to homeschool our children. 

My response to Christ: “You’re crazy!” I can’t remember what I did or said 5 seconds ago; how am I to teach? Yet, I did, for multiple years. In horrible pain. With a brain that struggled to concentrate, stay focused and alert, and a body that just wanted to fold up, lie down, and sleep to cut off awareness of the pain. The Lord showed up and showed off in so many ways through our obedience. He even air-dropped an opportunity to write about the many incredible ways He used homeschooling to build up our kids, rebuild me, and deepen mine and my husband's bond: Broken Chapters: 21 Testimonies of How God Rewrites Our Life Stories.

In marriage, you can’t know what the future holds for any family member or child. We both demonstrated servant hearts by discovering how to come alongside one another, how to be what the other needed over above our own, and how to lean into other believers in ways never anticipated. We made it through every adjustment and unknown, serving as Christ tells us, even when it made no sense, trusting Christ with the energy needed and the ultimate result. Our final topic: Built for the Storm: Are they Steadfast in Hard Times?