Part One: Before You Say, "I Do," Three Key Questions Must Be Answered

“They’re never everything all at once,” I cautioned my daughter. We had been discussing how to know: Is this the person I am to marry? That is the $64,000 question, is it not? How do you know whether or not you should marry the person you are dating? In our unfolding life, we will meet amazing, wonderful, funny, charismatic people that you know you would still never marry in a million years.

Before you say I do, or indulge in your visualization of life with someone, I implore you to answer three questions for you and for your significant other. Vital questions that matter more than the usual things we tend to fall back on, like feelings, good roommate points, or words “said” over actual behavior. 

In this three-part blog series, we will unpack three non-negotiable questions one by one— Beyond Words: Are they Truly Submitted to Christ and His Design for marriage? The True Heart of a Partner: Do they Serve Others or Expect to be Served? And Built for the Storm: Are they Steadfast in Hard Times?

First, answer me this: What factors do we normally rely on that have nothing to do with true Biblical readiness for marriage? Age, earning a high salary, handling lots of responsibilities well, saying, “I love you,” attending a church, or saying they are a Christian. Those positive factors add to the marriage-readiness pie, so to speak, but they don’t prove they are ready or are the one to marry. We lump two things together: some combination of the above-mentioned factors exists; therefore, this might be “the one” to marry. Being a good roommate cannot be the end of our assessment of our intended spouse’s ability to grow with us through the ups, downs, and chaos impacting our lives.

Other people saying how awesome he or she is doesn’t guarantee they will be a supportive spouse throughout your lifetime or be a great mom or dad to your children. The fact they attend church or say, “I believe in God,” doesn’t mean you both agree on what the Bible reveals about how to create a healthy, vibrant marriage, what the qualities and characteristics of a godly spouse are, or what it means to reflect Christ in your individual life and marriage. Most of us don’t date with any of the above thoughts or questions in mind. Many times, we can’t answer those questions for ourselves either. 

In relationships, we tend to laser focus on feelings. What am I feeling? Am I feeling something I never felt before? What is the other person feeling or expressing to me? Do they make me feel good or bad? Do I feel more good than bad things? Can I point to an excuse or reason for why I see what I see in them or feel what I feel when they do or say xyz thing? How many yellow and red flags do I ignore or downplay for the sake of my feelings for this person or because we’ve been together a long time?

Feelings can be great guides, but they make terrible masters. Behavior is a language ignored for the sake of preserving our feelings. See if any of this sounds familiar. You notice something they consistently do that you don’t like, but you question yourself: Is this really a “big thing”? Most of us focus on rehearsing what happened, reviewing the conversation ad nauseam, or analyzing every feeling and reaction. 

Do you go deeper in your questions? What bothered you about that xyz thing? Is it the emotions it sparked? Is it how they said it, the words used, or the emotions they expressed? Is your reaction rooted in a memory of someone else saying the same or similar words? Were their actions similar to a previous relationship, friend, or family member? Do either of you discuss these concerns? Do you dismiss it, or excuse it? 

Once we feel emotionally invested in another person, we tend to focus on the good things when everything is smooth between us. We downplay any negativity we see. We do this dance of dismissing, downgrading, or outright excusing what makes us uncomfortable or causes us to question the relationship. Why? 

Fear. Fear of being misunderstood, fear of losing the relationship, fear of their reaction and how it might make you feel, and many other concerns. Fear can be rooted in actual harm and hurt suffered during or after a relationship, or be based on insecurity, or expectation of harm. Uncertainty about what matters most for a healthy, thriving, lifetime marriage further erodes our confidence in our relationships. We avoid confrontation even if their behavior and words are intentional or reveal what we fear. Why?

What is the root of our fear? Losing or ending the relationship. We will second-guess ourselves to death first over the risk of a conversation that may end or hinder our relationship. In many ways, our modern approach to dating to discover the person to marry is backwards. We date. We develop “feelings” for someone. We have sex. We move in together. We create a life and routine around another person. We marry, maybe, some number of years later.

Sex before marriage further intensifies and seemingly “justifies” the feelings we have for someone.  Our emotions become the starting place for why we believe this person might be “the one.” We assume that based on our feelings, everything else needed in a relationship will work out. Dare I say, the feelings become the “proof” we can be, should be, or were meant to be married to this person. Do you see yourself in any of what I’ve described?

Feelings can never be the primary, or sole, foundation for deciding whom to marry and have children. We focus on what we like about them, how well we get along, or what we have in common. However, feelings are fickle and fleeting, and they can be changed, influenced, and manipulated. Have you ever thought about what mindsets, qualities, and characteristics best demonstrate readiness for a lifetime of marriage and parenting? Most of us have not.

Added to our confusion is our lack of confidence about what matters most when considering marriage. Far too many believers are disconnected or confused about what it means to follow Christ.  If we don’t know what it means to follow Christ in our own life, how can we expect to know how to follow Christ in our marriage? How do we know what our walk with Christ should look like? Whatever our personal walk with Christ looks like will be reflected in our married walk with Christ. Think about that. Do you like the image that comes to mind?

If we aren’t already confidently walking out our faith with the Lord, how can we expect to be prepared for marriage? Scripture teaches and illustrates for every believer how to think, speak, and act in His spirit and truth with everyone, believers and non-believers alike. Marriage becomes simply one more area of life surrendered to Christ. 

Jesus’ ideal marriage model isn’t about the perfect person who meets our every need or wish, or makes our heart swoon. Christ’s model for marriage illustrates His relationship with us,  His one body.  Two people walking together with Christ as their head, taking dominion over their family and the work of their hands, standing on the Word and fulfilling His purpose for, in, and through both of you.

Behavior is a language. What does their behavior reveal?  What behavior in their personal life foreshadows their suitability and readiness, or lack thereof, for marriage? What is their habitual pattern with, and for, entertainment, friends, family of origin, conflict resolution, problem-solving, work ethic, desire for children, how to raise children, and how to live and reflect Christ? 

If we want a married life that reflects our faith in Christ, then we have to start with Christ. What should our foundation be for deciding who to marry and live out life with? In both, we are to follow in His footsteps. We follow what Christ modeled. He modeled unity, oneness in all things. We need a partner seeking like-mindedness with Christ. Christ modeled submission, a servant heart, and steadfastness. What does that mean for you -to you? Let’s dive in and find out.

Beyond Words: Are they Truly Submitted to Christ and His Design for marriage?

Are we both submitted to Christ above all else in our day-to-day life, and do we agree on how we live out submission within marriage? I shudder at how many couples I know whose marriage woes center around opposing opinions on what submission within marriage means. Submission does not start when married; it begins when we say yes to following Christ (See James 4:7; Eph. 5:21; Prov. 3:5-6). We submit to His word and His way, allowing it to flow through us as His divine partakers, His disciples, His followers, to everyone else. Christ submitted to and completed God’s will for His life. You and I are to do the same. Male and female unmarried believers alike are to submit to Christ and to one another. 

Submission is baked into the beginning of our faith relationship - we are mini-mes of Christ. Learning submission to Christ and to other believers while single prepares us for the together-as-one stage of married life. The command for a wife to submit to her husband does not extend to a live-in boyfriend you intend to marry. Do I need to repeat that? I will. An unmarried woman has ZERO Biblical obligation to submit to the will and wishes of a boyfriend. Our obedience matters to the Lord, not our sweet intentions. Christ must be first in ALL things.

The underlying Greek word for submit, as found in James 4:7, means to arrange under, which translates into obey, put under, be subject to, submit oneself unto, put in subjection under, or be under obedience or obedient to. A military term applied to God. After all, we are to be His warrior representatives in this world. Biblical submission paints a picture of Christ followers arranging themselves under His divine commands as our leader, as opposed to the way we want to function. Christ is our model.

Submission is about humility. We were bought at a price, and our sole focus is to be renewed into His image. What does this mean for us? We have a whole bunch of junk in our minds, mouths, and actions to dump out during our journey to reflect Christ. This is the imagery. Two people, choosing renewal in Christ, walking alongside each other into whatever Christ has in store.

What each person believes about submission to Christ and within marriage is the foundation and must be compatible. When reflecting on our relationship, ask yourself: Do their actions match their words, and are they backed with Scripture? What are we to pay attention to between their words and actions? 

Consistency. Do their actions match what they say they believe and line up with Scripture? Talk is cheap. What they say they believe and what they do should not consistently or constantly contradict one another; professed beliefs and attitudes should align with Scripture. Nobody is perfect, which is why I used the word constant with contradiction. I’ve known too many women who excused, instead of walking away from, their boyfriend’s “do what I say, pay no attention to what I do” demands.

We act according to our beliefs. Every believer’s mind, mouth, and actions are already to be fully yielded to Christ. (James 4:7) How openly do they speak about Christ and their faith? Do you hold similar beliefs about how to live for and reflect Christ? Do you agree on what submission means as a believer and as a spouse?

We must not ever guess or assume what someone else believes. Convictions matter, not assumptions. Attending the same church, or participating in the same denomination, or reading the same Bible translation does not guarantee you think the same about anything in Scripture. Two people can’t walk in agreement with one another based on guesswork. 

Marriage is one more area of our lives submitted to Christ. Do we agree on the Biblical purpose and function for marriage, raising children, and reflecting Him in all we do, say, and think? The bigger the gap between how and why each person answered the questions, the more difficult these differences will be to resolve once married, and the less willing someone will be to resolve them.

Two things that tell you NADA about what kind of spouse someone will be: The fact they attend church and say they are a Christian/believer. A yes answer to those two questions is just words. Actions speak louder than words. A yes to either question is not “proof” they intentionally conform their mouth, mind, and actions with Christ and His word; Yes, I believe in God doesn’t mean they actively and regularly read their Bible or desire to model Him; and attending church does not guarantee agreement on what the Bible says about marriage, marriage roles, what raising kids should look like, or how responsibilities are divided.

Can they behave in any way, fashion, or form they want, but not you? Do they believe a spouse must agree with and obey them about everything, no matter what? Will they cheerfully share in raising the kids? Do you both want kids? Do you agree on how to raise children? Do you agree on discipline techniques, fun, teaching them about faith, and using their time wisely? Don’t discover your different understanding of submission and why it matters until after it’s first tested - or after you are married!

Submission to Christ took on a whole new meaning for both Al and me once severe, chronic pain, radiating head to toe, crashed unexpectedly into my life and our marriage with two toddlers. It started with severe migraines, culminating in cervical surgery on my neck vertebrae, the closing of my law practice, and the end of my legal career. My whole world and marriage were rocked to the core as we both faced married life being forever altered. The pain didn’t end after surgery. 

Al has walked alongside me for almost 30 years as I suffered with severe, chronic pain. I have gathered many medical diagnoses and undergone many torturous medical procedures and side effects from prescribed pills. Nothing worked. Nothing minimized or helped alleviate the pain in my body. Naturally, it impacted my desire and my mindset for intimacy.

I asked myself, how long could I expect Al to wait for me to “feel” like having sex? Christ challenged me by asking, What if the pain doesn’t go away? What then? Will I still follow Christ, or throw in the towel? I chose Christ. We both did.

In the early years of my health upheaval, our pre-marital counseling came flooding back to me. During one session, we covered the scriptural reminder in 1 Corinthians 7:2-5 for both husband and wife not to deprive one another of sex. Those scriptures specify that we no longer have sole authority over our own body; it belongs to our spouse. We are not to deprive one another specifically so that Satan can’t tempt you to look to anyone else for that connection. I had a choice: follow Christ or listen to my flesh. 

Al met me in that sexual adjustment. Al never demanded sex. He never pressured me for sex. He never made me feel guilty for not feeling up to it. Al made it his mission to find a way to please me in our sexual encounters. He was endlessly patient with me as medications and pain dampened and dulled my ability to feel pleasurable sensations. It was extraordinarily painful to lie on my back, but no position brought my body relief. 

For my part? I wanted to find a way to feel and experience pleasure with my husband. It was a choice. I had to push past that pain and focus on what we were doing and our desire to bond. At times, it felt like an all-out war, as I tried to override my body and mind. Even choosing to do what we could to make things easier for the other was a struggle.

The Lord carried us through every tear shed, fear spoken, doubt confessed, and relentless search for answers and relief. We both “gave up” a lot of what life used to be like to cope with what life now was for us both. Christ completely rebuilt me, starting with my mindset. My relationship with Christ deepened during my "sickness wilderness" years in many ways.

I lived in survival mode for so many years; I resisted when people asked me to write a book. I diminished all that He taught me because I didn't have the expected miraculous healing tacked onto the end of a long-term health crisis. Imagine that. However, Christ made it clear - write our story, our journey together.

It took me six or seven years to write, and a lot of heart healing for things I didn't even realize needed healing. It felt like torture to my body and mind to create and try to maintain a regular writing schedule, but the Lord used it all for me. Christ opened my eyes to so much more of Him even while I wrote the book, Journey Derailed: Is Your Hope for Healing Tied to a Diagnosis, an Expected Outcome, a Cure, or to Christ? (https://a.co/d/0jfa9exg)

We both had to surrender to the Lord. It was incredibly tough, and neither of us can fathom surviving without Christ at the center. We both fully submitted to what now, Lord? We both made drastic adjustments to our life and work. We submitted to Christ and to one another - choosing to be poured out, body, soul, and mind, to the Lord’s plan and purpose for our lives - even in this.

No one can know what life will throw at your marriage. Our spousal choice isn’t about kisses, giggles, and good times or feelings alone. Our individual faith walk is designed to break off our way and instill Christ’s way of thinking, acting, and speaking - beginning with renewal of our minds. The renewal process starts with us individually. 

Marriage is built between two individuals walking in agreement, to take kingdom ground, raise children, and live out Christ’s purpose for them. Choosing a spouse starts with Christ. Are we both submitted to Christ, and do we agree on what submission means for marriage? When both individuals fully surrender to Christ, submission stops being a power struggle and becomes a shared bond. 

This week, "take the leap," and ask your partner to define submission and what it means to them within marriage.

However, true spiritual alignment in marriage isn't just about agreeing upon how to submit to God and to one another. In Part Two of this series, we’ll explore the second non-negotiable question: The True Heart of a Partner: Do they Serve Others or Expect to be Served?