Letting Go of Limitations and Expectations

Personal photo, Decatur, GA

Truthfully, I’m terrified because I dread she’s giving up, she’s going to stop fighting! Tears of anguish sting my eyes and lock up my throat while my heart lurches and breaks! I had just received a "selfie" picture from my dear, sweet, young friend. She’s still in her hospital bed. Tears streak her face and the message laments something to the effect of “I’m so sad and in so much pain!” I can’t stop my own tears from tumbling down my face. Instinctively, I clutch my phone and press it into my heart as I double over in prayer. The words don’t come right away as a myriad of emotions crash through me. I can physically feel her despair and desperation because I know how profoundly inescapable pain maddens the soul and pollutes the mind. Even my attempt at silent words of prayer are strangled, locked up in my mind the same as the physical words are locked up in my throat; only involuntary groans escape.

    Finally, my prayer is unleashed,“Lord, God, please take this pain from her. Give it to me.

She’s the age I was when my nightmare started, I don’t want this for her! She's already fought for so long! Don’t let her keep walking this journey. I will take it, give her pain to me, Lord, even if just for an hour.” The prayer slowly shifted to praising God for bringing her into my life, for her sweet spirit and quiet courage. Thankful, that our entire life group can be there for her, pray for her, send her funny quips and posts and shower her and her family with love and support. “Lord, if it’s Your Will that the pain stay then surround her and her family with angels of protection and Your supernatural peace, that peace that makes no sense but for Your presence.” I prayed until all words were drained from me.

    In a flash, I remembered a phrase from long ago, something along the lines of can you love someone enough to allow them to suffer. Who said that? Where did I read that? In that moment, what I did remember was how shocked I felt when I first read that statement. What kind of crazy question is that? Why would I WANT someone to suffer? Searching through my old notes, dating back to December 24,2013, I found the quote from Amy Carmichael, a missionary to India in the early 1900’s:

“This prayer of our Lord for us reaches infinitely further, for the love wherewith the Father loved Him was the love that caused Him to give that beloved One to suffering for the salvation of a lost world. This is very different from, and far surpasses, the love that only does not refuse that a beloved one shall suffer. (She is referencing John 17:26*)

Christmastime is full of thoughts of the Father’s giving; this thought will deepen all our thinking about it. What do we know of such love? What do I know of it? Am I prepared to give one whom I love to pain or to loss, as the Father gave, if only others may be blessed? This, nothing less, was what the love wherewith the Father loved the Son caused Him to do. It was this love and no other that our Lord prayed should be in us. Is it not a searching thought, a searching prayer?”

    A searching thought and prayer, indeed! Do you see it? It's not about wanting someone to suffer. It's about understanding just as Christ's suffering had a purpose, so does ours and it's not just for us! Out of love Christ was sent to SUFFER FOR US! His death abolished our sin and created that pathway back to Him. Back to His love. Back to His hope. I know what Christ did in my own life through ongoing chronic pain! He wanted me stronger and He wanted me to cherish Him above all else.

    My severe health issues caused me to close my law practice, to lose the only career I wanted and to be blinded of any hope for a "worthwhile" future. I deeply struggled with feelings of rage,inadequacy and uselessness because I could barely function. "What kind of life is this, Lord?", I queried again and again. Through my journey, Christ showed me He's always using me and if He's using me then I can radiate blessing and love onto others, despite my personal circumstances! Isn't that opportunity a future and a hope? I just needed to stop holding on to what I expected my usefulness or my future to look like and focus on what Christ wanted! I needed to use my time wisely for Him since I didn't know how long I'd be around! Frustration over my limitations was based on comparing myself to what I used to be able to do, what others believed I should be able to do as well as what everyone else seemed to be doing.

    Christ wanted me to focus on what He was giving me instead of focusing on what I thought I lost because I was missing the blessings happening all around me! My marriage was stronger. My husband massaged me, fed me, loved me, administered my IV's and showed unending compassion in the face of all my despair and mental and physical diminishment. I was able to nurture and to be closer to my kids than would ever have been possible with my law practice. My parents, family and strangers poured prayer, support and encouragement into my life! My husband witnessed the sacrificial love of my parents and other family members. Elders faithfully prayed over me and anointed my head with oil. Now, Christ lead me to a new mission - to reach women in similar circumstances. Miracles, all of it! I wouldn't wish my pain on my worst enemy but who am I to deny anyone the chance to be similarly blessed?

    Then reality hit! Why do I cry over what I "lost" or can't do any longer? I've always been limited! Christ already has my time marked out. I never will know how long I'll ever be around! Those verses in John are what Christ prayed for you, for me, for “all who will ever believe in” Him! Christ's’ prayer describes a perfect, circle of unfathomable love leading to unfathomable suffering in order to span the globe with unstoppable blessing - and it started with Him! He gave us love so we could share His love with all with whom we come into contact! Our time is not our own, it belongs to Christ.

    In perfect Christ fashion, two days after my friend passed away, I re-read a passage that suddenly took on a whole new meaning for me:

"The God who determined the measurements of the foundations of the earth sets limitations to the scope of our work. It is always tempting to measure ourselves by one another, but this easily leads to boasting or despair. It is our business to find the sphere of service allotted to us and to do all that He has appointed us to do within that sphere, not commending ourselves (See 2 Cor.10:12).

Paul said, 'We....will keep to the limits God has apportioned us' (v.13,RSV). Jesus did that. He was willing to become a helpless, newborn baby, a growing child, an adolescent, a man - each stage bound by its peculiar strictures, yet each offering adequate scope in which to glorify His Father.

Lord, glorify Yourself through me and in the place You've set me. Let me not covet another's.”

     So, where does that leave us? There will be times when those we love will go through hardships, trials, temptations and trauma. We will lose those we hold most dear. It never feels fair. We look at the person's age, their personality, what they can no longer do and the amount of loss, wear and tear and destruction on their life. Christ sees His creation. Christ sees how long this will last. He sees what they will learn out of this circumstance. He knows whose life will be impacted. He knows who will turn to Him BECAUSE OF what is happening to this person. He wants your heart, mind and soul for His purposes! He knows the blessings that will pour out on every single person including the one currently suffering or grieving. We see limitations and loss. He sees the end from the beginning.

    Christ apportioned my precious friend's time shorter than anyone here wanted, but man, she led a full life! She touched countless people because of her inner light! She captivated and entranced everyone who met her, beforehand and throughout her long and hard fought battle with the disease that ended her life! She loved deeply and she was deeply loved! What a gift! Even in my grief,I felt inspired by her! What a beautiful reminder to strive for the full and abundant life Christ wants for each of us! The question is, are we willing to let go of our expectations for life in order to live the life Christ allotts for us?

    Only You Lord can create in me that kind of new heart!

*John 17:20-21

“I am praying…also for all who will ever believe in me… I pray that they will all be one, just as you and I are one….I am in them and you are in me. May they experience such perfect unity that the world will know that you sent me and that you love them as much as you love me….you loved me even before the world began!… I have revealed you to them, and I will continue to do so. Then your love for me will be in them, and I will be in them.”